Mother’s Day has always been just another holiday. But this year it’s left me feeling such great devastating emptiness. Part of me yearns for the mother I used to have, the mother that I still have but can’t quite forgive or come to terms with.
The other part of me yearns for my own motherhood. For no particular reason…I know my decision was right. I know what I did was the only thing to do and the best thing to do. But some days I think about it and honestly, I just go numb because it’s easier to just shut down then even start to think about it.
The wealth of trauma I have experienced in the last ten years or so has finally caught up to me. It’s finally gotten to that point, where you just simply can’t handle dealing with it and muddling through things, working it all out in your head and coming to terms with it. I’ve just shut down and I can’t talk about it, I can’t explain it.
So I throw myself into work and I think about nothing but work or sleep or eating because I can’t cope any other way. I’ve felt tears at the back of my eyes all day. I could probably cry but I wouldn’t know why. I wouldn’t be able to explain this broken feeling. I want to feel safe again, I want to feel like an innocent child. I just want to start over, and get it right. I’ve made such a mess out of everything I’ve ever touched.
I sicken myself by even writing any of this, I feel so incredibly pathetic.
Yup!! I miss Lights haha.
“Just look at us. Everything is backwards. Everything is upside-down. Doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the major media destroy information, and religion destroys spirituality.” — Michael Ellner
Jack Bauer: Because you’re worse than a traitor, Nina. You don’t have a cause. You don’t believe in anything. But you would sell anyone and anything out to the highest bidder. So, stop wasting my time! Give me a name!
Genesis 6: 6-7
God: Clearly not “pro life”.
Let’s be dramatic
Prescriptions for pills
Then we’ll buy them with our paychecks so we can’t pay our bills
And we’ll sleep until tomorrow – I’ll be dreaming of you
Let”s be myopic
Elitist and smart
Gently rehash pop nostalgia into biblical art
Preach our genius to the masses til our faces blue
Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
I want to drive my car into a wall
I want to buy your house just to burn it down
Please, let me sleep with somebody that I will never trust
Blame the cruel art of pretension for my screw-ups
But one can’t build little white picket fences to keep the nightmares out.